.

.

It is 9:55, and i should be sleeping. I have to be up at 4:30 to shower before we hit the road for Jordan’s wedding.

it is really unreal to me that Jordan is getting married.. i remember playing with him when i was a little girl.. climbing trees, building forts, playing board games.. and tomorrow he will be standing at the front of the room, waiting for his bride to walk in. in one sense, i still feel really young, and it seems incredible that someone who is only 8 days younger than me could be getting married. on the other hand, i feel really antsy and i want the same thing for myself! i feel like i am in a place similar as being in highschool, waiting for college.  In highschool, though, i didn’t want to go to college. i was terrified.  but, the same far-distance feeling is here. i have no idea when i will be getting married, and that needs to be okay. i need to not be so antsy for it to arrive and be content. but, going to weddings of people my own age does not help my mindset 🙂

i’m reading proverbs every day. it’s really great. i recommend it to anyone looking to add to their Bible reading strategies. i read the proverb that corresponds with the current day. example: i read proverbs 29 today, because it is 5/29. every time i read the proverbs, i am struck by how loose i am with my words and how selfish i am in relationships.

“A fool gives full vent to his spirit but a wise man quietly holds it back.” i often find myself vegging out on my current emotion – not dealing with my emotions in a God glorifying way. proverbs is so great. sometimes there are super blunt verses which i really appreciate. there are no quelms about calling people stupid. no verses dancing around the consequences of sin. there are clever (and convicting) analogies. i think one of them says, “A quarrelsome wife is worse that perpetual rain” & “an argumentative wife is worse than a dripping facet.” that’s so great.

i did laundry. i have clean clothes again. hurray! no more stealing from my sisters!

i am now going to try to sleep.. i think i’ll have to nap in the car tomorrow morning.

🙂

running

i do not like running.

i will say (type) it again. i really do not like running.  when i run, i a) get about two feet, feel like i’m going to die and give up, b) take a lot of walking breaks (so many that, really, i’m taking a walk with some very minor spurts of slow running) c) have a mildly successful run with a lot of inner turmoil and mind games.

today, my run was closest to letter c. i only had one very short walking break. i had this crazy mantra going in my mind. i think it was a combination of jillian from biggest loser, my roommate bethany, colosians 3, and coldplay. yes, very random, but it was mostly successful.

the breakdown of my run (thoughts wise):

after the first block. “All right.. i can do this. it’s not impossible. yeah..this isn’t bad at all”

7 minutes into my run “oh man, i can’t keep going.. shoot. keep running, emily! don’t stop!” and then i stopped running… but, i did start again very shortly.

the rest of my run — i employed a combination of telling myself that any tiredness was in my head, and repeating colossians 3 (if you have been raised with Christ, set your mind on this above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God,” using bethany’s technique of setting goals, and finally, whenever i wanted to stop running, i ran faster.

still, though. i would like to enjoy exercising. perhaps if i do it more i will. i think i have not really experienced a runner’s high, which would probably make the whole process more enjoyable.

i am planning on being slightly athletic this summer. my goal: to be able to run 10 miles by the end of the summer. anyone want to join me?

it’s a beautiful day!

i’m trying to pick a song for my jury.. I most likely should have done this a while ago. It’s so hard to choose. Should i do an easier piece that will allow for less stress in my life? or should i go for something really cool?

The other day i was looking through my starred emails, and i found the email from nancy bartolec congratulating me on getting accepted to summer project! I can’t believe it’s been a year since i found that that i was going. yikes.

i’m experiencing apathy lately. towards classes, relationships, and most terribly towards God and His Word. I’m speaking at cru on thursday and i feel terrible…unqualified. how can i speak when i’m experiencing a lack of passion? i don’t want to be fake and pretend that it is easy to follow God with constant joy, but i also don’t want to be a debbie downer, because i do know that this attitude is sinful and that i should be filled with joy. so…yes. i’m praying that my apathy will dissipate this week. not only because i’m speaking, but because i don’t want to be apathetic.

it is so beautiful outside. i love the weather! it somehow makes classes easier. classes just feel different when it’s beautiful outside. the only downside, is that i may have to actually shave my legs every now and then.

okay. i need to go practice again.

the deeps

LORD Jesus,

Give me a deeper repentance,
a horror of sin,
a dread of its approach;
Help me  chastely to flee it,
and jealously to resolve that my heart shall be thine alone.

Give me a deeper trust,
that I may lose myself to find myself in thee,
the ground of my rest,
the spring of my being.

Give me a deeper knowledge of thyself
as saviour, master, lord, and king.

Give me deeper power in private prayer,
more sweetness in thy Word,
more steadfast grip on its truth.

Give me deeper holiness in speech, thought, action,
and let me not seek moral virtue apart from thee.

Plough deep in me, great Lord, heavenly husbandman,
that my being may be a tilled field,
the roots of grace spreading far and wide,
until thou alone art seen in me,
thy beauty golden like summer harvest,
thy fruitfulness as autumn plenty.

I have no master but thee,
no law but thy will
no delight but thyself,
no wealth but that thou givest,
no good but that thou blessest,
no peace but that thou bestowest,

I am nothing but that thou makest me,
I have nothing but that I receive from thee,
I can be nothing but that grace adorns me.

Quarry me deep, dear Lord,
and then fill me to overflowing with living water.

“The Deeps” from The Valley of Vision: A Collection of Puritan Prayers & Devotions.

O make thy church, dear Savior, a lamp of purest gold,
To bear before the nations thy true light, as of old.
O teach thy wand’ring pilgrims by this their path to trace,
Till, clouds and darkness ended, they see thee face to face.

– William Walsham How, 1867

excerpt

from the ‘ol moleskin..

Today in new music I actually played pretty well, and I came to a realization — I don’t like new music. I can theoretically “get” it, but I don’t enjoy it. It doesn’t move me, and is not something i ever want stuck in my head.

new music (in this case) refers to very recently composed works that are not tonal. by that, i mean that…hm..how does one explain tonality with non-music words? in tonal music, you know where “home” is. it’s the most stable chord. it usually starts and ends the piece. there’s non of that stable “home” like feelings in atonal music…

hm… i’ve realized that i really easily can slip into a bitter, complaining person when i’m at work. the atmosphere is not uplifting, but i don’t try to be positive or encouraging or loving. ah.. i would like to take away a lot of my sarcasm. maybe all.

bible study tonight. i’m hoping that my girls have done their “homework” otherwise my plans for tonight will have to be improvised. i’m going to see David in 2 days! two! in 2 days i will be on a plane (right now) going towards NYcity! yeaah..

i really enjoy using pandora. end of story 🙂

my heart’s desire right now

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross

i really can’t stay

i never know what to put as my titles for blog posts. Usually, I will just insert whatever song lyric is going through my head at the time. Oh. I’ve wondered about this. Does everyone always have a song stuck in their head? I know I do, but I wasn’t sure if I was an exception..just things i wonder about.

man..it’s hard to be on break. by that, i mean that i am having trouble finding enough things to do. i’m feeling rather useless, and lazy. I was feeling convicted about my idleness, but it’s really a struggle to find stuff to do. i end up just being extremely lazy, and then i become extremely dissatisfied with myself for being so lazy..but that just makes me feel even lazier and results in more lazy activity. i suspended my facebook account so that i will spend less time online. i’ve finished one book, and have started another.

one type of laziness that i did not expect coming into break, was spiritual laziness.  i really had goals and plans for my spiritual growth. and i’m struggling so much to just get in the Word every day. it’s very lame. i’m hoping that the rest of break will be much more honoring to the Lord in terms of productivity and wholesome time spending.

i’ve been reading jeremiah. it’s such an intense book of the bible. i love seeing how jeremiah is so obedient in proclaiming God’s words of judgement even though it breaks his heart and he’s persecuted for it. in chapter 20 he says:

I have become a laughingstock all the day; everyone mocks me…

If i say, “I will not mention him, or speak any more in his name,” there is in my heart as it were a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I am weary with holding it in, and I cannot

i would like to have that in my life more. such a trust and a fire to proclaim the gospel, that if i don’t, i feel like i’m going to implode.

I’ve been listening to so much Christmas music on pandora. it’s pretty great.

I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE SUMMER PROJECT PEOPLE! SO SOON!

big Big God.

At the start
he was there, he was there
In the end,
he’ll be there, he’ll be there

And After all our hands have wrought
He forgives

Oh the Glory of it all is:
he came here
For the rescue of us all
that we may live
for the glory of it all
for the glory of it all

All is lost
find him there, find him there
After night
Dawn is there, Dawn is there

After all falls apart
he repairs he repairs

Oh the Glory of it all is:
he came here
for the rescue of us all
that we may live
for the glory of it all

oh he is here
for redemption from the fall
that we may live
for the glory of it all
oh the glory of it all
the glory of it all
oh the glory of it all

After night
comes the light
dawn is here
dawn is here
it’s a new day
it’s a new day
everything will change
things will never be the same
we will never be the same
we will never be the same
we will never be the same
we will never be the same

Oh, The glory of it all is
you came here
for the rescue of us all
that we may live
for the glory of it all

Oh you are here
with redemption for us all
that we may live
for the glory of it all
for the glory of it all
oh the glory of it all

I’ve been listening to that song for a while. Yesterday I was feeling really discouraged about ministry at niu. despite our campus size of 25thou, we only have one staff (our campus director) and one intern, who wasn’t even fully funded until 2 months ago. So, it’s been a really hard year of ministry just in regards to man power. It’s hard to get people to commit to doing leadership, but student leadership is our only option, because of our almost non-existent staff.

next year, i think we may have 0 interns. which means we will have no one heading up women’s ministry. yesterday we were talking about this, and i started feeling really anxious.  We’re losing all our women leaders (to graduation) except for me, and we aren’t sure that girls are being brought up who can lead next year. ah. i was praying about this and God really humbled me and comforted me through my quiet time.

i was reading the psalms – in particular, psalm 124.

if it had not been the LORD who was on our side, when people rose up against us, then they would have swallowed us up alive

it goes on with what would have happened to them, had the LORD not been on their side.  then later,

Blessed be the LORD[!], who has not given us as prey to their teeth! We have escepad like a bird from the snare of the fowlers; the snare is broken, and we have escaped!

Our Help is in the name of the LORD, who made the heaven and earth.

i love that. it is the Lord who gives victory. it is the Lord who decides what happens on this campus. the Lord is strong enough for the this campus, and for my doubts, and my sin. right now I need to trust that he’s going to provide for this campus, and be thankful for the ministry he has given us.

it’s really cool to me when the Lord reveals things from scripture that give me peace and hope.

pray:

please pray for NIU – pray that God will provide workers for this campus – that he would give people the desire to see the gospel spread on this campus.

“I am your father”

I’m watching the ’empire strikes back’ on tv. I turned it on at a real intense part. Right before Luke’s arm is chopped off and he discovers that vader is his father. Now he’s currently hanging on some sort of metal contraption. with only one arm — what a stud!

This week has been good. I didn’t get too much done in terms of music — that’s really unfortunate. In 15 minutes, I’m going to go practice flute for a few hours. hopefully it will make up for some of my slacking off this week.

I have only one week of classes left. ONE! oh man. One week of class, a few finals, and then i’m free!

 

Here’s my list of things that i might like to do this winter break (or at least choose from):

1. sleep – i mean really sleep. i want to get adequate sleep this winter.
2. work out – i would enjoy getting back in shape. this semester i literally worked out three times. not really enough to maintain healthy physique.
3. go sledding
4. visit my horse people in chicago.
5. see summer project people! Scarlett and Franny are coming to stay with me before indyCC. I’m soooo excited!
6. finish jeremiah, psalms, & leviticus. I’ve been working through them for a bit, and would like to spend some quality time in the Word and in prayer
7. spend quality time with my friends and family. okay. this is just a side note. sometimes luke just seems like a wimp. that’s all.
8. prepare for my junior recital.
9. learn a new song on the piano.
10. use my time wisely
11. be joyful.

This break was a nice time to get away from the atmosphere of school. i had really encouraging conversations with Erin, which was fantastic. sometimes I forget how wise she is.

It was also good in terms of regrouping spiritually. God used break to show me areas of my life that I wasn’t submitting to Him in, and He also gave me strength to have a hard conversation that i have been avoiding. hm.. spiritual growth is such a strange thing. i feel myself resisting so strongly to it, but it’s so good on the other side. i want to trust God more, and love people better.

oh no. star wars marathon. this could really hurt my work ethic tonight 🙂